Random Thoughts

1. Good old days are actually bad for they have deserted me with no sympathy and the bad old days are actually good for the same reason.
2. What ever I see is just the past even if I continue to live in the future. My eye is a camera and uses light as a means to see an image. What ever my eye captured reaches my mind after sometime be it a millionth of a second. I can only see my past even while living in the present.
3. There is nothing called impulse. Mind being a data bank stores every situation in the form of a mathematical model. When similar stimulus is given the same response comes out. Thats what we call impulse.
4. People should never tell someone not to carry their opinions. This very opinion that one should not carry opinions is an opinion in itself.
5. I am happy with your silence and comfortable oblivion about my existence in your mind. For even when you shall desert me you leave me with the same, your silence and the oblivion in your mind.

All That Belongs To Me

Vamshi-my name & my chinese notebook of thoughts, my meaningless poems written in red sketch and pasted on the walls along side my crooked drawings of the unknown girl's face , The box guitar which I can't play and the flute that though never played likes me only because I carry its name, the guitar or the flute tutor whom probably I ll never meet, The tumbler for my morning litre of water, & my morning's share of cold raw milk drunk from the packet itself, & the missing breakfast in my life, the lonely jog at the sea and the sand and shells which awfully smell at my home, My trips into my 4 almost empty rooms and life with this new found home..

My Compaq Presario and, the feeling we both are inseperable, the computer & me...Rafi, Kishore, Mukesh, Lata, Simon & Garfunkel, Pink Floyd, Doors, Ghulam Ali, Jagjit, Gult, Tamil & Bengali sangeet, Scent of a woman, Rain Man, Life is beautiful, Sholay, Forrest Gump, that follow.. My liking for Microsoft Excel...the exhausting music & movie collection which I cant completely polish off in my life and the hundreds of books on the shelf that cant be read either... in my life ever and my efforts to conquer these myths!

The ball room dances for bitter sweet symphony although alone fill my room wih delight so unknown....The all new Fast Track watch bought in an exchange offer and the craving for the old watch that made me procure it back again...Rabindranaths Gitanjali ...never opened though! The chess board on which a game was played quite long ago.. infact 3 chess boards ...the dreams about cooking for myself and the plate in which food was consumed quite seldom..the Iron box that rarely pressed a piece of cloth..The letters to my mom which were never posted and the inspiring notes for the 15 month old niece in all languages known to me and the painful fact that she is just too young to read or comprehend..The har jeb mein rang Nokia.. the first 100 I drew from my first salary account, and this "Idea" mobile connection that could well change my expenditure exorbitantly every month just under the "Phones Head".

& The bank balance thats always duly nil on the 29th of every month. the cheap pendant dangling down my neck in fond memory of a dear friend ...The rare Sundays that are not spent at work and the desire for sunday mornings to be spent all alone on the unnamed hill tops with no shirt on while sweat drips from my every pore.....and my lavish buffets at Taj that never give me the same feeling of sumptousness like the cheap food at the road side motel and the cheap matka kulfi of probably the only paaji at Vizag that ensues my every dinner, the unneccessary collection of the identical kulfi pots at home,

The mast garam elachi chai or the black coffee both devoid of saccharine to soar my spirits ...& the occasional cheap beedi that I furtively smoke...the greatest liking for Chocolate Mousse...the new born awakening desire for bottles of Aqua Fina with mouthful of raw ginger on the rare saturday free evenings. The mattress & the pillow that get used only for 4 to 5 hours a day, & all the furniture thats so blatantly missing at home, missing lillies in my lone balcony, My irritating busy ness in someone else's business and yet the motivation that says duniya hiladenge hum kabhi na kabhi...

Genuine Jockey, XLRI T shirts, Wardrobe of Peter England light weights, The white kurta that I want to wear and the photograph that I want to take of mine while chewing gud meeta pan, The fond for the color blue and my everyday's search for something new, The woman who washes my clothes everyday & cleans my home but for her weeklyoff and the longingness to see her atleast once in my life actually working..

Slip Ons and Nike Joggers, Ganuchi & Cherry Blossom which are never easily found when required, and the company bus horns that are so impatient at me in the morning..the office keys I always forget and the spare key in my colleagues room that always rescues ...the lock of my home that keeps missing at crucial periods... the fond paragon chappal which never leave home, the suitcase packed with dreams for the unknown journeys to pretty much unknown destinations and all the unconfirmed tickets I always travel on.... my boss's lack of concern for my "losing" time in the train travel !..

Colgate Total, Vicco Vajrdanti,Axe effect, park avenue Sabun.. my Gillette collection that never will change in my life coz the beard is too slow in growing big, the lone mirror at the wash basin, the very short hair and the hair-gels longingness for its utilisation and the cold water from the showers in the bathrooms that I dread yet sustain becoz of my oblivion for buying a heater and then my question when will this bottle of shampoos gonna finish! The plain glasses bought for fashion and the shyness to wear them that keeps them only at home.The efforts that I make to pump in energy into the else would be a lonely bored life. Efforts fail but atleast the boredom dosent remain. Lifez a journey not a destination, destinations are a boredom but journeys aint so...but what if the journey itself is the destination like in case of nomads!!

5W & 1H..I mean Business

When you want to write a poem,
Dont care about WHAT is the rhyme,
If you have got the right meaning,
Your poem would just be enough fine,
To make you mean what you should!

When you want to hum a song,
Dont care about WHERE is the tune,
If you have got the right wording,
The song would have just enough a chime,
To make you croon like you should!

When you want to live your moments,
Dont question HOW good is your life,
If you can do the right kind of dreaming,
Your moments would just be enough large,
To let you savour what you should!

When you want to fall in love,
Dont care about WHEN is the time,
If you have got the right feeling,
Your love would just be enough blind,
To make you feel what you should!

And....When you are going to read this one,
Dont wonder as to WHY ever did I write,
Since it was asked for by you...the WHO..my friend,
So, You would find just enough a line,
That' ll let you know that I fondly would!

The Rigidity Of My Rightness

Glaring with proud eyes,
And standing up for my solitary righteousness,
As if u were too blind to see the truth,
My voice persisted,
Although confused and weak,
As if u had no choice,
But to listen to my hollow words,
I always told u,
I am right and you are wrong,
For these were the words of my ostentatious conviction,
No one ever heard me say,I am wrong,
For these were the words of my veiled weakness,
I put my selfish and sordid deeds,
Into the jargon of noble and moral words,
I made the whole scene phony,
Only to justify my responsibility of being called right,
Never did I learn to apologize,
Did u hear me say…The language of the head is thought,
And the language of the heart is feelings,
But I never knew the meaning,
For the meaning of the word lies in the people,
Yet I had the courage to point a finger,
But lacked the wisdom to defend my blunders.

Never Ending

In the calmness of the roaring sea tide,
In the green life of the fallen dead tree,
In the cozy warmth of the dark winter nights,
In the deafening sound of the sorrounding silence,
In the cool breeze that makes me dreadfully sweat,
In the luxurian comfort of my exhausting dearth,
In the hectic trail of my lasting sojourn,
In the unspeakable rejoice of my tears and mourn,
In the bountiful serenity of my mad rage,
In the unraveled mysteries of a final page,
In the eternal shine of the gloomy eclipse,
In the bony softness of my parched lips,
In forlorn hopes, I searched thee,
Beckon me with your voice so divine,
Throw me into an entrancing bliss,
And enthrall me in a lifelong kiss,
My Love, My joy, Where art thou?
While all the nature is crushing me down,
Come over My Love and atleast kill my heart,
In the misery of an estranged life..... dont let me last!!

Brave Hearts

When thier back is against the wall,
When they've had a few close calls,
When they are ridiculed after every fall,
Very few put thier head down and prove wrong,one and all.

My Love Strikes Again

I ran and I ran,
Till my legs felt like stone,
In search of a face never known,
In the wake of the sun and the pouring rain,
I launched a foray in never ending vain,
For a place where I ve never been,
Wanting someone whom I ve never seen!!
I fail and I fail again,And wonder over this poignant pain,
I muster all my inspiration,
And continue on my lonely voyage of a clueless desperation,
I cry and I die,
For the one who can cover my face,
Dry my tears with her warm embrace!!

My Love

A psychological state of inspiration or desperation I am not quite sure but these lines I penned down on the beachside alone represent my mind, heart & soul and the unknown mission I am onto-- may be? I do not even know did she take birth or did she die after having done so. I am not sure if I d ever meet her and express my distress for years without her along my side. I do not know if my life is just a second away for ever from reaching her and she d always be ahead of me, teasing me in a pleasing way. I do not know who is she, how does she look like. I do not even know if I d find the ever lasting peace in her. I dont know if I d ever get a chance to strangle myself in her dark strong tresses until death. I hope she exists and exists only for me. I dont know if I am in love with her. I am sure of just one thing & thats the fact that I am not frightened by the unknown and I d ever remain in search of the unknown, the gal so esoteric and yet simple, the gal so bubbling and yet calm. Am I searching her in the wrong places, but I d find the rightness in all my wrongs for I d wait all along. And so it goes my journey for her and she can only be seen by the blind probably!!

A Bong Encounter

I was travelling from Vizag to Hyderbad yesterday and I happened to be fortunate to have a good looking air hostess (All airhostesses are good looking??) on board.To my dismay, (although it was amazement before the whole scene between us ended) I found that she was once upon a time a graduate in statistics from Calcutta. ..Bong babe!! "Amaar Jibon, Tumaar Chorone Utshargo Korlam" I hummed a bong song.."I prostrate My life at your feet!!"

After the ritual of announcements, I approached the woman and tried to strike a conversation. Incidentally she happened to be a Hyderabadi for a while,(I assumed she was still a resident of Hyderabad) & further probing into details fetched me her phone number, although,the statistician that she was, she handed over her number with a sweet small whispered phrase,"Its just an estimate". And carried forward to her seat, cabin, cockpit, whatever...Now, thought I, I missed out on the vital statistics!!! err..Dont misinterpret me, Its the address of hers that I am talking about, turning the estimate to the actual phone number could easily be possible with the correct address.

Disappointed, I was, and grabbed the newspaper to find a statement by an eminent politician in the state of Andhra that he would strive to bring the income of every individual in the state to an above average level. Hmmm...great expectations, I thought. Then the engineer part of my brain told me, "How can everyone be above average!!No matter how much the increase be, the minimum and maximum do exist for arriving at an average." Cow Herd mentality, every dumb ass gives the same statement without understanding the implications!!I took pride for a second in being an engineer and then I thought now that I am manager, atleast I make believe so, How does statistics help me, if it does at all. Most of the decisions that I take are based on a proven track record, If this happened with that, 99 times it will happen the 100th time as well!! 95% confidence level Boss this would happen...5% is to avoid getting fired.

Hold, I am getting into theory now.I heard my Boss say a lot of times "It's not the "figures" themselves,. It's what you do with them that matters.'' How true!! Let me do...So I got back to the phone number adventure, With the breakfast that the woman served me, re"VITAL"sed was I. and bang I went for finding out the address of hers after she had finished serving. The probability that I would get the address of any woman by asking her directly is ZERO, in India, and especially those who are with Indian Airlines. I dared to dream!! and increase the probability by a 10 to the power minus 100 at least. I asked her rather indirectly "where do you stay in Hyderabad when you are in the city?"...

Lo & Behold!!Comes the answer "Indian Airlines flight number xxxx"& a smile although to say, "You are too young for these tricks." I concluded while she bid me good bye at Hyderabad after the flight landed. "Statistics (& Statisticians as well)... reveals crap and conceals what I want..err..recall the phone number incident to avoid getting me wrong."

Another sad day in my life :-(

My Fear - My Nemesis

What am I afraid of in my life? Death and whatmore? My fear can only emerge from the very gripping thought of uncertainty. When faced with an environment that is unknown, fear strikes with all its ammunition and strikes strong. It is my life's biggest nemesis if not the only one. I am thrown into shackles with utter disdain by this humongous monster. My mind starts going berserk and the heart dosen't feel left behind either, extending a rocking quaver to my body as though I am freezing to death. Shivers chill my spine. I find no time to bring some rationale to my mind and some courage to my heart. My shoulders droop, legs feel weak, mouth goes dead dry and the ears cant listen to anything. Fear gets cancerous, like gangrene it spreads across my body and takes complete possession of me. But it still leaves my eyes, which keep glancing here and there furtively at something which may strike me momentarily, so that I always keep wondering when is the next strike. I start abondoning myself and that is when I am lost completely. I am found nowhere. So I avoid all uncertainity, do not touch it, pack it up and force it into a falseful oblivion and try and bury it all in the land of amnesia or even Alzheimer’s??

But why??

Why not embrace hope and persistence? Why not challenge the uncertainty? Why not answer the questions that may give the right or wrong answers? If fear is such a big nemesis of mine, what is the point in keeping it so close to myself? Why not chuck it?Why not bid it a farewell? Why not let the mind think in the wake of every moment of fright? Why not bring meaning to my existence? Why not lose everything else but not myself?

My Strange Tear

All my love in my heart,
Brings me just a tear that makes my eyes wet,
All my longing and fond memories find no words,
For my voice fades away into a dead dark silence,
Strange enough though,
Coz when the same tear dampens my pen,
On the sad paper of my life, a sweet little poem is born,
And when the tear dries up, the poem is so long gone,
So here I wait, again, for another tear,
For another poem to be written,
And to be painfully forgotten.

A Game of Chess

Thirty two nicely done pieces,
On a confined arena of sixty four squares,
One may ask aren't there more,
Math has the answer, so I don't much care,
Where he was black and I was white,
I dared to challenge his overpowering might,
Passed an hour, and I was almost in tears,
Coz I wasn't left with too many pieces,
And I had to play, with a real stone face,
Hoping dearly for some saving grace!!

At g8 was his King,
While Pawns on g7 and h7 were shielding him,
His Rooks at b8 and d8, were on either side,
Of his Queen at c8, as though she were a bride!
Two more of his Pawns at c7 & d7,
And he knew his defence was craftily woven,
Aha! His lazy Bishop at c5,
Hasn't moved an inch, for a pretty long time now,
And at b6 was his another Pawn,
Furtively stealing a nap and I did see him yawn!!

At g4 was my helpless Bishop,
Beaten black and blue, though its sleeves seemed well rolled up,
My lonely warrior Knight at f7, was asking me, "Master, Can I do somethin",
Two lone Pawns of mine at f2 & g2,
Were hoping to know, where I was really heading to,
My clueless Queen on c4, didn't know much of what was in store,
Placed my last Pawn on h4 block,
Was bewildered, frightened and in utter shock,
While my King was found "lost hope" at g1,
Praying to God, for a loaded gun!!

So, I was here,
On a game that wasn't apparently nerve biting,
Favoring him it really did seem, while I thought, I was on the verge of losing,
Standing out of space, were my powers that were truly captured,
A thought flashed,
And I saw an opportunity, so well disguised,
Then I knew, I was to win this one,
Coz such is this mysterious game,
Its not just the powers,
Its what you can do with them that brings you the name and fame,
For only if you think ahead, you can win over' him,
Not only with pieces, but inspite of them!!

And then I moved my Knight to h6 and whispered "Mate",
His King had no option but to move to square h8,
Merrily to g8, my Queen did dance down,
Knowing too well, that it would be savored on,
"Why this sacrifice"? , probably thought he,
Wondering if something stunning, is gonna be,
His Rook struck and my Queen was displaced,
And now he did see, how badly his King was misplaced,
"Checkmate" was on, as to f7, galloped my Knight,
And his King had no place to move, let alone offer a fight!!

I am not quite sure of the person,
Who said these words of divine wisdom,
"Whether you think you can't,Or you think you can actually do,
You always end up proving yourself true",
Now that's the case with everything,
Of all that is linked to a human being,
And so it's the same,
With this wily board of CHESS,
The true game of sheer BRILLIANCE!!